I feel like this is a post more for me... I need to talk about what happened, and its still hard for me to talk about it without tearing up so...this is me talking.
I found out we were expecting October 5th. We were so excited!! I couldnt wait get a baby bump, to start shopping,all the fun stuff that comes with having a baby. I had been having the worlds easiest pregnancy (or so I thought). Until thanksgiving day. I noticed some light light spotting, everyone I talked to said it was perfectly normal. So I tried to not worry. But I just had a bad feeling. The following Saturday, the spotting turned into bleeding, and I knew something was wrong. I called my doctor, he was on his way home from the airport from a trip to Africa. The sweet man he is, didnt even stop at home and met me at his office. He only had a mini ultrasound machine at the office, he could see my littke maggot, but said it was no where the size it should be. So he called the hospital and set up an ultrasound. I was always so excited to have one of those, but this time, the cold dark room felt.more like a dungeon. As the tech was pushing and twisting the little remote thing, I couldnt even look at the screen. I didnt wanna know, because I already knew.
After what felt like an eternity in that dungeon, we finally could go home. They would let the radiologist read the ultrasound and then my doctor would call me with the results. We hadnt even made it out of the parking lot when the call came in. The baby's heart had stopped beating almost 4 weeks before.
He said that I would experience some heavy bleeding and extreme cramping, but what I had in my mind and what it was really, so not the same. I have a very high threshold of pain. But I have never in my life felt pain like this. These "cramps" had me shaking and holding my breath every 2 minutes. I just laid there thinking I was dying, praying my dad would drive faster to give me a blessing. Finally, he made it home. Hed already called my cousin Chris to come help him. The second I saw Chris, I started crying even harder. That boy has saved me more than once, and here he was to do it again. I honestly cannot remember what was said in this blessing, but I do remember my dad asking for my pain to subside. Immediately, the pain was gone. So even though I was a firm believer before, I now am positive there is someone up there watching out for us.
The next Tuesday, I had a dnc surgery, and i finally started feeling better physically. Emotionally, I dont know if I'll ever completely recover. As much as people tell me it wasnt my fault, and as much as I know it wasnt. For the rest of my life Ill always wonder, what if i didnt do that? Would my baby be here today?
I am so thankful for the support and love my Dear husband gave me through all this. He had a hard time as well, but was always put me first. I know hes going to be the best daddy any child could ever ask for. So once we get our medical bills paid down a bit were going to start trying again. This baby was unexpected, but now its almost needed. But until it comes, we got one more angel looking out for us :)
